I want to talk to you about the horror show of returning to work from a beautiful, refreshing vacation.
Sunday. The last day of your vacation. The good news is, you are still on vacation. You wake up with a smile on your face as you know you don’t have work today. You sloth to the coffee pot, take in a deep breath of fresh air and revel in the waning hours of your vacation freedom.
However, it does not take long for Sunday to give way to SMUNDAY. SMUNDAY is like the estuary of murky water and depression you find yourself falling into after about noon on Sunday. Thoughts of, “What am I walking into tomorrow…, “Oh, I forgot about that project we are working on…, I have to go in tomorrow and act fake because the people I work with are fake… I ate too much on vacation now my work clothes will be uncomfortable,” swirl around your head. Yes, SMUNDAY is just as bad as Monday, the only difference is it invades your safe place. It stomps it’s way into your home on a sacred day, the last day of your vacation.
Monday. The fact about Mondays is they don’t need help being the worst day of the week. But, you just got back from vacation; so this Monday sucks extra. The sound of the vile woman who never seems to stop talking is much more agitating to you today. The smell of that one guy’s overbearing cheap cologne stings at your nostrils like never before. And your boss, well your boss is your boss. At least she is consistent in her ability to be the most ratchet person known to mankind. And on this Monday, it seems like she wants to win an award by making you pay for having spent time with your family while on vacation.
That Office Smell
Though the horror of your return is well underway by the time you walk into work. There is nothing on this planet that can relate to the overwhelming dread that hits you as you walk into the office and the “Office Smell” smacks you in the teeth. You’re never really sure what the smell is; all you know is that if Hell had a smell, it would be this smell.
Your Boss
As you walk by your boss’ office as stealthy as possible; hoping to God you beat her into work, you run the scenarios through your mind; preparing yourself for the empty conversation about your vacation. “How was your vacation? Where did you go again? Oh that sounds lovely…” Blah, Blah, Blah, your boss gives zero fucks about your vacation, what you did, and what ride little Johnny rode for the first time at Wacky Wild Water Park on Thursday. It is all bullshit as your boss stalls for the moment it’s “Corporately Appropriate” to give you shit to do. Your vacation is over and it’s your bosses job to make sure you fucking know it’s over. Your ass is theirs now!
That Guy Gary
Thankfully, that is over. You punch through the door of your bosses office almost as if making your great escape only to find yourself face to face with “That guy Gary”. You know that guy Gary, we all know Gary. He’s the one who never stops talking, smells like he bought his cologne at Rite-Aid and laughs at all of his own jokes before anyone else has a chance. He is the type of person that has the most punchable face. Your constantly wonder how the trials of evolution granted this blood line permission to carry on. However, Gary is a harmless obstacle. But depending on how your first encounter went with your boss; the run-in with “That guy Gary” could play out in a few different ways. 99% of the time you’ll smile and nod just so you can get to your desk. Or maybe you’ll play Gary’s game and speak briefly. But that 1% is the stuff that frequents your dreams. In that 1% situation you smash Gary in the face and pull a full Jerry McGuire “Who’s coming with me routine”. And while this situation has a 1% chance of happening it is thought of 100% of the time.
Someone Touched my Stuff
As you come within viewing distance of your workspace, you notice something is astray. You would never put your chair facing that wall. Also, why are the pens on the left side of the desk; you keep them on the right side. Someone has been in here, they changed your shit around. Is this an HR worthy moment? Maybe. Are you furious? Definitely! The lack of respect! For some dirty bastard to come into your workspace and touch stuff is reprehensible, demonstrable, worthy of a righteous beat down. But like most “corporatites”, your balls have been cut off by HR long ago; so you will actually do nothing about this except take it out on your keyboard as you draft email number one…
Important, not important
Congratulations, you made it to your computer. It’s time to open your email for the first time in a week. As you wipe the sweat from your brow you begin to dig through the trough of the “Important and Not Important”. It’s always funny reading work emails after a full vacation. The entire list of unread messages are completely NOT important. If you are truly lucky; two assholes had a 30 message conversation using REPLY ALL. Oh, and isn’t that nice. Your boss gave you things to do while you were on vacation. How thoughtful of her to make sure your plate was full on day one (what a bitch). You know she secretly wanted you to answer those emails during your vacation… The insanity that are corporate emails makes you wonder where humanity is headed. Ding! Oh look at that, you have a meeting in 5 minutes.
Your First Meeting Back
Meetings are usually a waste of time anyway. They are just an opportunity for your self-important boss to sprinkle their self-importance around. A reminder that you are an underling and they are the ruler of this small Fiefdom. There is usually one thing that always happens in the first meeting back. Something has changed.
Have you ever wondered why upon returning from vacation, whether it was for a week or a few days, something has inevitably changed? You think to yourself, how in the actual fuck did this change. When you’re at work these people can’t navigate their way out of a wet paper bag. Yet, somehow in the few days you left them alone, they have decided to make moves towards big changes… How is this possible? Why does it always seem to happen when you come back from vacation. And why do you always learn about it at the first meeting back so the look of utter confusion can be seen by all?
For 99% of us; returning to “The Suck” is never a great day. After years of fighting it and allowing it to stress me out; I’ve decided to look at the humor in it. I try to find the humor in most aspects of the corporate social experiment we all subject ourselves to from Monday through Friday. My heart goes out to those of you who also work Saturdays and Sundays. Regardless, we can all find common ground on the ridiculousness that is Corporate America.
Until the next time, thanks for reading. I encourage you to share your own shitty stories in the comments. I would love to hear about your SMUNDAYS, Mondays and beyond.
~ Mansome Fellow signing off
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